A Gruesome End to a Child of Mother Nature

Warning: The following content may be disturbing to some, especially those of you who may be carnivores to show your support for the obscure yet conscientiously impassioned vegetable rights movement. Yes, actual vegetables sacrificed themselves to demonstrate the brutalities suffered by their kind around the world every day. I ask that you reflect upon the horrors suffered by plant beings deemed eatable by humanity, as you read on.

What follows is a perfect example of the thinking that I, Jonathan Birdsall, regularly experience that inspires associates to ask the question, "WTF is wrong with you?!"

Alas, poor little tomato. I'd like to express some measure of empathy for you as I too have gone under the knife. Sadly however, I am unable to do so, for you are about to meet the one who brings your doom. I am he.

You stand on the threshold of your demise, as I am poised over you, brandishing a glimmering stainless, steel blade, contemplating the best place for my first incision. Fear not however, fore you shall be followed by your tomato sibling, and your mutual friends, green pepper, onion, and the garlic clove triplets, hopefully to meld into one despicably tasty sauce.

You may dislike the addition of the garlic sisters, as they possess rather pungent personalities. However, I believe they are necessary as they have the ability to ward off evil. I fear that your tomato soul may seek to return to gain some measure of vengeance upon my earthly person, thus I require their protection.

It would be best for you to close your imaginary eyes as the serrated edge of the knife looms over your tender, red flesh. Worry not my little friend. You shall be reduced to a mass of sticky cubes momentarily. I know it seems heartless to dismember one such as you, but alas, the primordial desire harbored within my stomach and soul for pasta exceeds any and all hopes or dreams you may have once held for the future.

As the teeth of the knife part your skin, methodically sawing through your flesh, think of your descendents, little Toby, Tommy and Timmy. Though they are green to the ways of the world now, they shall some day ripen, and blush with a deep red hew, so that they too may experience the initial joys and eventual doom of the produce isle. I ask you to seek comfort in knowing that you shall not be around to witness the reduction of your offspring into mildly spiced salsa. Their silent screams shall not torment your soul as they are pulverized within the confines of the blender, as you shall presumably be gone from my freezer, if not this world entirely. Existence is so fleeting, and you best cherish it in your final dying moments whilst I separate your flesh into smaller and smaller pieces.

As the final stroke comes, I ask that you pardon me fore I am no Texas Chainsaw Tomato killer. I am merely a hungry bachelor, seeking to sate the famished belly that cries so mournfully for the silencing of its growls. Please do not think me sadistic or cruel little tomato. You are simply a means to a delicious end.

May your memory be ever celebrated by the hauntingly sadistic cry of, "Bon appetit!"

Your Thoughts:

As always you are welcome to leave your thoughts in the comments below or on my Facebook page: Author Jonathan Birdsall on Facebook, or on my Twitter page at: Writer Jonathan Birdsall (@writerjbird).

I humbly await your return next monday. Cheers my good readers!

The Devil is in the Dialog Details

An important part of character development is dialog. The things your characters say, and the actions they use while speaking can say a lot about their personalities.

Think of someone you know who is say rather bubbly and energetic, and how they word things, how long their sentences typically are, the gestures and other actions they use, etc. Now think of someone else you know, who's rather flat, calm, doesn't get overly excited and maybe even is fairly boring. Those speech mannerisms make those two individuals stand out as unique human beings, and in my less than humble opinion, such qualities are extremely important to portray in your stories.

Personality isn't all that matters however when it comes to the dialog of your characters. Time period, setting, age of the character, the culture from which they come, other languages they may speak and numerous other factors go into the speech mannerisms of a person in your story. All of this contributes to the overall feel and quality of your tale.

Recently, I read a book, whose title and author I shall omit, as I dislike negative reviews and believe in constructive positivity when specifically mentioning other writers' works. This particular book followed a group of World War II rebels fighting the German army in their homeland. Now, the overall quality was quite enjoyable, with a lot of action and suspense, however the dialog used was not at all suited to the characters of the book, nor their time period. That for me seriously decreased the believability of the story.

For example, the rebels would often shout things like, "Don't die man! don't die!" Or, "Hold on, help is Fing coming, just hold on!" Those lines to me sound more like something from a cheesy action flick from the 1990's rather than anything realistic to the 1940's or the region in Europe where this particular tale took place.

Further getting under my crotchety reader's skin was the main British character in the book who used stereotypical English idioms that I don't believe I've ever heard anyone from the UK say. I'm of course referring to phrases such as, "jolly chap," "eh what what," and "tally-ho old boy."

An obvious question here is, "why does this matter, especially in far fetched books like fantasy or horror?" Simple, every book and every story should have a certain amount of realism and believability. One of the ways to achieve this is through the things your characters say and do. For instance, a medieval knight would probably not use modern day curses, like the F-bomb, nor would a gang banger use words like, "thou." By carefully crafting the things your characters would do and say, you are giving the entire tale some consistency, which enhances how believable and authentic it feels.

A great example of this is a little book called, "K-PAX," by Jene Brewer. It covers a psychiatrist, Dr. Brewer, who is treating a patient in a psychiatric hospital. This patient claims to be an extra-terrestrial from a planet called K-PAX.

There are numerous scenes between these two characters, where the doctor talks in a rather dry, professional style of speech and tone. Prot, the alien man speaks with a much brighter, usually cheery manner and punctuates his words with common 1990's American idioms, as though he were indeed from another planet and was experimenting with the stereotypical slang of standard human culture.

The idea of this book sounds a bit out there. However through this careful dialog you gain a lot of insight into these two characters' personalities. The doctor is intellectual and maintaining a professional manner, while Prot is exploring the complexities and intricacies of American English. All that combined enhances the authentic feel of the book and makes it far more believable, even if the base premiss itself is unusual.

How I Construct Dialog:

Crafting fitting dialog can be tricky, but I'll give you a couple examples of ways I like to do it, which very much simplify things.

First, I look at details such as time period, personality etc. What sort of phrases and idioms may have been used in the time and place the story occurs? If I have trouble with this, I can always watch Youtube videos or old television shows relatable to my story, or do some googling to find appropriate expressions, which may not make the speech perfect, but which will definitely enhance the affect for which I am looking.

Secondly, a little exercise I learned is to imagine I'm the characters speaking to one another. It's best to only use two, conversing with each other, so as to keep things simpler. By going into brain storm mode and turning off the analytical part of my mind, I write out a conversation between these two individuals about any random topic. By focusing on the unique personalities of the characters in question I can crank out surprising amounts of natural sounding dialog. Sometimes I might even be able to take snippets of those discussions and insert them into scenes, but at the very least I can use this exorcise to develop a clearer idea of how each of those characters talk. It's actually quite an amusing yet helpful and constructive exorcise.

Your Thoughts:

Do you find dialog makes or breaks a book? I'd love to know.

You can leave a comment below, or get me on my Facebook page, Author Jonathan Birdsall Facebook, or on my twitter page, Jonathan Birdsall (@writerjbird).

The Heinous Measure is still available in this issue of Innersins Magazine, so check it out if you haven't already.

I post Mondays, my favorite day of the week, so check back Monday next for another installation of my genius. Until then my charming readers.

The Greatness of Random Inspiration

Special Announcement:

The Heinous Measure is now available for free in issue 23 of Innersins Magazine.

Description: Sometimes proving your ability as a disabled person requires acts of great evil, and you must face a grim reality in realizing that equality.

Innersins Issue 23

The Glory of Random Ideas:

The Heinous Measure is a perfect example of one of those random ideas that seemed stupid, and that popped into my head in the middle of the night a few months ago. I used to just dismiss such as I didn't see the value in them, but now I make a point of writing them down. As in my tale I promote above, they can turn out to be great ideas even though they might seem silly at first and if fleshed out can result in a nice, shiny, published piece for others to enjoy.

Where my random ideas like this come from I have no clue. I will say though there are three usual times they prefer to pop into my head. These are of course, when I wake up in the middle of the night, especially after a weird or bad dream, in the shower, or during my first cup of coffee for the day. If an idea is good enough I have been known to speed to my laptop to write it down, momentarily pushing aside what ever I was doing when inspiration touched me. Yes, that includes during the middle of toweling dry from a shower. That mental image is free, and hopefully you're welcome. It was most definitely my pleasure.

The funny thing is, these thoughts that just hit me out of no where in my opinion at least, seem to be the better ideas. I spent over a month writing another short story entitled, "Choice of Sins," which was based on a carefully formulated plan, surrounding a subject about which I'd long wanted to write a story, the urban legends of the black-eyed children. The Heinous Measure on the other hand, as I've stated was based purely off an idea that hit me one night, seemingly out of nowhere, and I combined that with a loose description of an incident that happened to me in the hospital when I was losing my sight. I assure you, the part to which I refer, that did, to some extent, kind of happen, is the paranormal part of this tale, and not the more evil part. I will not get too specific here as I abhor spoilers and would rather you discover the dark joys in my new piece for yourself.

My point is, I have yet to find a publisher for what I still feel is a great story, "Choice of Sins," while on the other hand, what was a random thought in the middle of the night when I was getting up for a drink of water, is what got published. This taught me that maybe those silly little ideas weren't so ridiculous after all and that I should at least respect them for their potential value, if not give them greater weight and appreciation.

Your Thoughts:

What do you do with those little sparks of inspiration you yourself receive? I'd love to know.

Hit me up on Facebook: Author Jonathan Birdsall on Facebook, or on Twitter: Writer Jonathan Birdsall (@writerjbird) or by leaving a comment below.

I look forward to seeing you, and expounding a further measure of my brilliance next monday. Cheers my good readers.

Joys of Sleep Paralysis

Before I get to my post for this week, a little reminder. The Heinous Measure is due to be available soon and there will be a special post on here, Twitter and Facebook regarding its release. Keep your eyes pealed for that.

Now, Our Regularly Scheduled Post:

The old hag phenomena is something that for me personally, inspires a great deal of terror. If you are unfamiliar with this nocturnal crone I shall explain.

Numerous people have reported instances where they wake from sleep, unable to move, with a scraggly old woman perched upon their chests. This entity often laughs at them and has a most malevolent cast. Other situations sometimes have the old crone standing by the bed, or sitting on the head board or night stand. Sufferers report extreme terror during these situations.

Similar occurrences are described as incubi, succubi, unknown intruders in the bedroom, shadow people and even extra-terrestrials. The common links are the sheer terror, and the paralysis. The inability to move can last longer than an hour, according to the Wikipedia page on this subject.

I bring this up as I've regularly delt with something akin to this phenomena, ever since I was a young child. Personally, I've not experienced the complete wakefulness during such situations, but I have had countless nightmares of being attacked by paranormal entities. In these I'm usually lying on my back, usually in a hospital type bed or on a floor, with a face positioned above me or entity leaning over me. I cannot move a single muscle, and often feel a myriad of hands poking or touching me. Many of these nightmares contain taunts, mocking or other forms of oppression from the beings depicted within them.

The most frightening example of these was when I was around twenty. I had a vivid dream, in which I was laying on my back, on the floor of my bedroom, which was empty of furniture and all other possessions. Hovering over me was the head of a previously deceased family member, whose eyes were completely black. There was no body with the face, just the face itself. I clearly remember it stating in a scratchy voice that, "Nobody will know but God." When I woke from this I shook so violently from fear I could feel my mattress vibrating beneath me.

Also worthy of note, are the numerous dreams I've experienced involving alien abduction. Again in these I am positioned on my back and cannot move but instead of a spirit or demon, the entities present are little grey or green men. For months after losing my vision I believed I was suffering genuine abduction and it was a long time before I accepted the fact these were just nightmares triggered from massive change and stress during a particularly difficult period in my life, almost all of which bore metaphoric reflections of my hospital experiences.

Sleep Paralysis Causes and Benefits:

The cause of sleep paralysis, and nightmares such as mine vary greatly. Some theories suggest genuine spiritual or demonic attacks, while others suggest much more scientifically mundane things such as anxiety, panic attacks or sleep apnea. Personally, though part of me would love to believe in the supernatural view, my brain is far too analytical, and has to side with anxiety.

Naturally I hated these dreams for years and though I still do not enjoy them by any means I've learned to embrace them for two reasons. The first is that I've over the past few years adopted the belief that dreams are merely your brain's way of processing left over information, or things about which you've been recently thinking. Secondly, they are fantastic sources of material for dark stories, and I love filling my tales with stuff that scares the hell out of me, in the hopes you receive a similar effect when you read my tales.

One of my idles, H. P. Lovecraft was afflicted with similar nightmares as a child, and Many of his stories are filled with elements of his dreams. I've recently been reading a collection of his works entitled, "Dagon and Other Macabre Tales." I urge you to pick it up when you are feeling a might peckish for stories that are bizarre and creepy. Lovecraft's work is fantastic stuff.

Your Thoughts:

I'd like to hear about your experiences with nightmares and how they touch your life. Sharing such can be therapeutic and makes for interesting discussion.

You can share with me on my Facebook page: Author Jonathan Birdsall on Facebook, or on Twitter: Writer Jonathan Birdsall (@writerjbird) or in the comments below.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers until next Monday!

Art of Ranting

Ranting about something that frustrates us is a common part of the human experience. We all do it at some point, but yet, in my opinion it's rarely done well. Why would this matter you may ask? Simple, a well presented rant, be it written or verbal is more memorable, and more likely to be taken seriously. On the other hand, an angry letter to the editor or shouted expletives, as two examples, just sound like more frustrated prattle from some enraged individual who doesn't seem to have a valid or clear point.

A few months ago I had a rather unpleasant experience in which a favorite travel cup of mine sprung a leak and dribbled scalding coffee onto my leg, near what I shall term the most masculine part of my anatomy, so as to keep this post relatively wholesome. Now there are several reasons this was not the most enjoyable situation in the dawning hours of the day. First, few enjoy their private parts endangered by boiling liquid, especially from a cup not clearly labeled, "HOT." Almost as bad, was the guilty party, my breast cancer go-cup, which had been my favorite coffee conveyance unit for several years was now entering its final days. Never giving up an opportunity to write a rant, I of course cranked one out for this situation, which you will find immediately following this paragraph.

"It is with a sad heart, I must today, say good-bye to my breast cancer go-cup. Though buying you was a means of making a small contribution to one of my favorite causes, and too though I enjoyed many delicious coffees and teas from you, I have decided it is now time for you to find your garbagy grave. You sadly had recently begun leaking from an undiscoverable location, which is honestly something I did not appreciate. It was yesterday, when you committed your worst offence by dribbling hot coffee ominously close to one of the parts of my person I value above most others. I assure you dear go-cup, when I made a coffee to wake my brain, that was not what I had in mind. So I bid you a fond fair well, and hope you can rest in peace, knowing that I seek to replace you, and that in future, I shall wear pants while drinking my morning coffee."

The point of sharing that little rant is to demonstrate the difference between one well written and one poorly written. A poorly done one would be something like the following:

"My really stupid, blanking cup, sprang a blanking leak and is now bleeping ruined. I hate my life!"

Both make the clear point of the offending cup, but which one would stick in your memory longer? Furthermore, which one would you pay more attention to? Even though the first one is most definitely presented in a silly manner, I'd personally put my money squarely on it as it's far more entertaining, and is not just another string of frustrated language like so many others clogging the highways of the internet.

Why Do Quality Rants Matter?

Let's delve deeper into why this actually matters. The point of venting or ranting is to express your negative emotions about something that has you irritated or upset. As a former holistic therapist I am all about letting those feelings out so you can get on with your day in what would hopefully be a more positive frame of mind, body and soul. Additionally, many of us when we are angry about something want others to listen to us, even if it's a mere Tweet or status update. Having that polished verbal outburst will come off as much more impressive, and will result in a greater chance of your point being heard and received.

On a larger scale, say you want to submit a letter to an editor, or raise concerns with a business or company that has some inappropriate practice you feel needs some attention. What is going to get that letter published in the news paper? What is going to get serious attention for the concern you are bringing up with said business? Bingo...a well written, classy sounding piece that still makes your point, but also comes across as polished and well thought out.

As a fiction writer I enjoy putting rants, arguments, outbursts and the like in my stories, often with the intention of sparking thought about a particular issue. Now, putting that careful, extra work into those rants enables me to better convey the point of view, and the ideas it contains, which of course makes for a better story.

Your Thoughts

Are you a rant nerd like me who puts that much extra passion into your rants? Let me know in the comments below, on my Facebook page: Writer Jonathan Birdsall on Facebook or on my shiny new Twitter page: Author Jonathan Birdsall on Twitter.

Cheers, until next Monday my good readers.

Difference Between Actual Dark Humor and Crude Nonsense, A Crotchety Rant

Okay my charming readers, this week I must rant about something that left me feeling well, shall we say, less than gruntled. Now, I warn you, if you do not already think me a fusspot, you very well might after you read the rest of this post. If so, don't worry. I will not be in the least offended as I often loudly proclaim that I am secretly aspiring to be a crotchety old man at the tender age of thirty-three. In fact, if you label me as one who'd yell at kids to get off his front lawn, or who complains about the music kids listen too these days, I might even be mildly flattered.

A few days ago, I joined a dark humor group, thinking it would be a good place to promote, "The Heinous Measure," and other future projects infused with macabre humor. I feel the need to rant about said group as it seems my definition of dark humor is not the norm. I view it as amusing or fun play with things morbid, scary or otherwise from the horror genre, that is preferably also clever in some way. Happily, my chief writing friend fantasy writer, "David Viau," was equally disgusted by the choice quotes I shared with him from this group. We both agreed that an exemplary bit of dark humor was a story by the great and late Roald Dahl, entitled, "Lamb to the Slaughter," in which a woman beats her husband to death with a frozen leg of lamb.

The average post I read, and believe me I read quite a few of them, were nothing more than semi-coherent strings of swears, other rude words, and anatomically impossible acts. There was nothing to suggest I hadn't stumbled into a haunt of boobies who had nothing better to do than try to one up each other on who could say the dirtiest, most offensive thing. Their vulgarities left the intellectual part of my brain feeling most depressed, and it took me some time to convince it that Daddy wouldn't let those agonizingly crude, self styled comedians hurt it anymore. Once my brain was comforted, I left that group, resisting the urge to count my IQ points to make sure none were missing.

As I couldn't let this post go by without providing a couple of examples of what I'm referring to, well fear not, here they are. For the record I have sanitized them in my own fashion, so as to make them at least somewhat presentable to the sensibilities of you, my intelligent reader. In other words, these are paraphrased versions of what I read as I really didn't want to tarnish my blog with the exact quotes.

Example the first: "You tell those STD infected mother loving lovers to go love themselves and insert a bag of male appendages in their mouths and hope they loving choke on them, those loving stupid dumb reporting lovers."

Example the second: "Loving love loving, very rude word for girl part rhyming with hunt, pickle."

Call me pedantic, but the random use of the word, "pickle," at the end of this one to me seemed needless and rather random. Furthermore I was confused as to the point of this post. The first one was at least in response to someone complaining about being reported for inappropriate language. Where as number two seemed to be the Facebook version of one talking only to hear oneself talk. To me it would be no different than would be wandering around in public, middle finger erect, while shouting random words from the sexuality section of my high school biology textbook.

Now, please don't think me one easily offended by coarse language. I've been known to possess a slight potty mouth from time to time, so am not bothered by words or phrases that may be lewd, vulgar or otherwise offensive. Indeed the summer camp I attended as a teenager introduced a no swearing clause into their permission form after the first year I went. I have since suspected, as have many of my fellow campers, that yours truly was the inspiration behind that.

What did actually annoy me was the apparent perception that dark humor means anything that would give your grandmother a heart attack if uttered in church. I thought such humor was more worthy of labels like, "toilet humor," "crude humor," "vulgar humor," etc. Dark to me implies things that are shadowy or morbid, so I was left greatly disappointed, and mildly irritated.

What are your thoughts? What is dark humor to you?

Hit me up, virtually, not literally of course, as I'd suggest striking a blind person is worse than punching someone with glasses. You can get me on my Facebook page at: Writer Jonathan Birdsall on Facebook. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Until next Monday...

Digging Deep into Fairy Tales

There is a commonly held belief that fairy tales are simply cute children's stories. Yet, there is a plethora of information and opinion floating around the interweb that contradicts this, conversely suggesting that such stories possess much deeper meaning. Now, in all fairness, much of what is available online has to be taken with at least a grain of salt, if not a healthy pinch.

The best I can offer is my own, less than humble opinion on this discussion. I most strongly believe that fairy tales, nursery rhymes and other popular forms of bedtime entertainment, not including the obvious physical activities, usually do contain deeper elements. Numerous tales and poems are filled with lessons or food for thought, neatly packaged in a more palatable, entertaining form. I'd expect that this is merely a sneakier means of getting another person, such as one's child to accept and digest something the story teller feels is important to learn.

A great example is the classic tale of, "The Ugly Duckling." The basic idea of which is a young duckling is viewed as ugly by its peers, until it grows into a beautiful, majestic, snow white swan. The obvious moral here is, "don't judge others based on their appearance." The irony here for me personally, is that one could easily misinterpret the lesson contained within this tale as, "we all grow out of our ugliness and become outwardly attractive at some point," which is dubious to say the least, and possibly aids in fueling the cosmetic surgery industry.

A valuable lesson of accepting others despite their external differences was the basis for a great little story here, filled with heart break, worry, suspense and eventually the happy ending, leading to my point. I'd ask you to ponder this and the following for a moment. If you'd just been told to do your best not to judge others based on looks, would you have listened? For most of us, it's safe to presume, "no." Personally, being told to think a certain way usually comes across as nagging and I happily let such unwanted advice travel in one ear and out the other, often with a thoughtful nod and feigned expression of dawning enlightenment. However, if that all important life lesson was planted within a story, like, "The Ugly Duckling," I'd be much more likely to at least think about deeper meaning, especially as surrounding elements of the tale bolster the given lesson.

Other examples exist, such as, "little Red Riding Hood," teaching us not to trust strangers, or "Rumplestiltskin," suggesting dangers in others knowing our name. Both of these are great as you can take them as nothing more than fun little tales at bedtime or in front of a cosy fire. On the other hand, if you are like me, you can get just as much delight from dissecting these stories to see what can be learned from them or if they contain any elements that stimulate thought or conversation.

You'll hear and see me regularly express the view that the best stories are ones that play upon a wide array of your emotions, as well as causing you to ponder some issue or point. My short piece, "The Heinous Measure," due out next month, is a prime example of this. The main character believes that disability advocacy in its standard forms fall flat and things need to be stepped up a notch. To do this, he commits an act of great evil believing that it will live in your memory far longer than the traditionally warm and fuzzy awareness campaigns.

What do you think? Do you like to read a story and take it at face value, or do you prefer to dig into them a little deeper? Both are great. What matters is the enjoyment you derive from reading entertaining stories.

If you'd like to explore a similar theme, I suggest looking into the history behind nursery rhymes. This is just as fascinating, and I was surprised to learn some of the things that inspired what I'd previously taken to be silly, nonsense rhymes. "Three Blind Mice," for instance is reputed to refer to three noblemen in the sixteenth century who ran afoul of Queen Mary I, and were consequently burned at the steak for conspiring against the throne.

I leave you this week with that less than cuddly picture. As always I'd love to hear your thoughts, and you can follow me on my Facebook page, Facebook.com/writerjonathanbirdsall.

Cheers and see you again next Monday.